Previously on True Blood, ‘May Be the Last Time’
With only a couple episodes left of True Blood’s final season, last night’s episode finally gave us some storyline closure for a few of our favorite characters. Some of them were entertaining; some were well-deserved, while others were complete bullshit. Let’s fucking talk about it, shall we?
If you experienced a moment of absolute nirvana like I did during last night’s cold open, it was probably because Eric is cured, y’all! Sarah “Numi” Newlin realizes the jig is up and surrenders while rambling on about how she is going to be reborn as the “Princess of Peace.” Eric wastes no time in swooping in for the kill but luckily Pam knows what a horrible fucking idea it would be to kill her and stops him by threatening to shoot herself in the heart with a gun she grabbed from one of the Yakanomo Corp. ninja-goons. Pam’s impromptu ploy works because Eric drinks from Sarah instead of ending her shit and tosses her to the ground. In a matter of seconds Eric’s roadmap to Hep-V-ville starts to disappear and just like that…he’s cured and beautiful. Amen.
I’ve had it with this Sookie-and-Bill-bumping-uglies bullshit. Straight up. Every part of this relationship makes me roll my eyes every time they have an on-screen moment together. They’re having some sort of weird pillow talk and Bill is asking Sookie why she’s being so quiet and that he knows when she gets quiet it’s because she’s deep in thought and acts like she’s some sort of profound “thinker.” (Man, what-the-fuck-ever!) Bill offers a “penny for her thoughts.” She finally brings up Queen Sophie Anne (Evan Rachel Wood RULED as the vampire queen of Louisiana, because that’s super fucking relevant to season 7), asking why the Queen wanted her. Turns out, Sophie Anne wanted to breed Sookie. Yup, “breed” her. This shit is played out. Next!
Lettie Mae and Lafayette are still digging in the front yard of the home she and Tara shared years ago. The family that currently lives there calls Lettie Mae’s husband, Rev. Daniels to come and get the crazy people that are fucking up their grass. He shows up and apologizes to the family and asks them to keep the news of the “Reverend’s wife and her substance…issues” quiet. Lafayette and Lettie Mae assure him that the V has worn off. They are just following the path Tara left. That shit becomes even harder for Rev. Daniels to believe when James shows up to give them another dose. But after a heartfelt speech from Lettie Mae, Rev. Daniels drinks from James as well, and sure as shit, there is Tara, standing in the doorway. She leads them inside, where there’s a flashback to one of Tara’s birthday parties. Things were going well, until Tara’s alcoholic father showed up, wondering where Lettie Mae got the money for the party and trashing the cake before smacking his wife in the face and rooting around in some boxes for his gun. Turns out, tiny Tara hid it in her dresser. Watching her father abuse her mother, Tara walks into the living room and aims the gun at her father. She doesn’t pull the trigger, but instead runs and starts to bury the gun in the front yard. Her dad leaves and we are made to believe that this moment is what made Lettie Mae a shitty human being and mother for the rest of her life.
Adult Tara apologizes to Lettie Mae for not pulling the trigger, but Lettie Mae tells her that it wasn’t up to her to save her mama. She says she was weak, but Tara says she was just a victim. She wants her mother to forgive herself and let her go. It’s supposed to all be very heartfelt and sweet but I am pissed. You mean to tell me that they unceremoniously killed her off, drug this whole thing out for almost the whole season, ALL FOR LETTIE MAE TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HERSELF? Are you kidding me?! This fucking show has a table full of writers that are absolutely awful fucking people. It’s the only reasonable explanation for this level of insulting shit.
HOYT TO THE RESCUE
We meet up with Jason in his front row seat for a heated argument between Hoyt and his girlfriend Brigette about reproducing when he receives two texts form Violet showing a tortured Adilyn and Jessica. He excuses himself and Bridgette follows because Hoyt is being a dick and they both take off to Violet’s manor after calling Andy to let him know everyone is probably going to die.
Once at the manor, Jason leaves Brigette in his car, armed with a gun with wooden bullets, and heads inside to find his friends. Violet finds him and straps him up to one of her many torture devices, just like Wade, Adilyn and Jessica. Violet goes on a lengthy rant about the order and manner of who dies first, including some extremely cringe-worthy plans for Adilyn and Jessica that include breast rippers and a red-hot fire-poker dildo, but before the fetish-death party can really get started; she’s shot in the heart by Hoyt and is turned into vamp goo.
Jessica quickly forgets that she was about to be soldered by a flaming dildo for days on end as soon as she sees Hoyt and the two chat it up like they’re on a blind date. The flirting continues when he shows up to her house after learning from Jason that Bill was infected with Hep-V. He brings her some of his Hep-V free blood for Bill to snack on and tells her he’s heading back to Alaska with his girlfriend in a few days. Welp, that was meaningless.
Speaking of meaningless, let’s talk about Bill. There is now a cure for Hep V. Sookie spends the entire episode trying to get Bill to Fantasia’s basement where the Yakanomo ninjas have Sarah tied up so he can save himself from dying before the credits roll. So when he finally gets the chance to see another 500 years, he says no.
Did he just fucking say, “No”?!
Of course he did.