Previously on UKS, Kimmy Goes On a Date!
Kimmy brings home a giant-ass TV she found on the street. Titus stopped paying his cable bill, but when she plugs it in, it still works. While watching Law and Order: SVU, Titus sees his nemesis, Coriolanus Burt, the dollar store version himself. Titus is still bitter from when Coriolanus stole what he thought could be his big break: a role (sharecropper #2/cow) in an all black production of Oklahoma called Alabama.
An ongoing joke in this episode are commercials for a product similar to Febreeze called Buhbreeze. “Cover it up. It’s fine.” We see about 3 or 4 different ones, but the best is a man blindfolded in a room full of toilets and rats. When he takes his blindfold off, he’s like, “Why?!”
Kimmy gets a call from Cyndee Pokorny. Apparently, Titus thought she needed someone to talk to, because she talks in her sleep, bites his nails, and is afraid of Velcro, so he sent a letter to Cyndee on Barbie stationary pretending to be Kimmy. Cyndee wants to come visit, but Kimmy is not interested.
When Kimmy gets to work, Jacqueline is standing with her arms up in the air, smiling. Kimmy asks if she’s praying and if she needs a bucket. Jacqueline explains it’s a joy pose. She believes if you look good on the outside, then you will become confident and happy on the inside. She needs lots of joy because her husband is not coming home for another six weeks. Jacqueline needs a photo of Kimmy to give to Buckley’s school because they’ve been marking him down as abducted every day she has picked him up, Kimmy doesn’t know where to get a picture, so Jacqueline teaches her how to take a selfie.
Kimmy does not like her face or how old she looks, which is ridiculous, because she’s adorable. You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine! See what I did there? Anyway, Jacqueline takes Kimmy to her plastic surgeon, Dr Grant (pronounced Franff) because Jacqueline wants to make her feet better for her husband for “sex reasons”. Dr. Franff, played by Martin Short, is like an Oompa Loompa with a speech problem. He suggests they can either resize her toenails or give her foot a facelift. He also offers Kimmy injections to remove the scream lines in her face. She’s totally into it.
Back at the apartment, Titus and Lillian are watching the news when coverage comes on about the musical Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen. 6 actors were critically injured by Spider-Man’s greatest foe: gravity and floors. The actors need to be replaced and Titus sees this as his chance. He thinks nobody else will want the roles because they’re too dangerous so it should be his easily. Lillian won’t support him because she refuses to bury another beautiful black man. Her first husband was shot when he got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
Lillian – On his way back to bed, he was shot in the face.
Titus – By YOU, Lillian!
Lillian – Well, it was dark and a black guy was trying to get into my bed. It was the 70s!
He goes for the audition anyway, but when he gets there, people are already lined up around the corner, including a lady in a wheelchair holding a pug. I’m not sure which of the two is auditioning. To make matters worse, his nemesis Coriolanus Burt happens to be walking by and mocks the fact that Titus is auditioning. He goes home dejected, but then Kimmy talks him into getting an agent and the agent gets him an audition for Spidermen Too. His audition is a flop. He can’t dance and when the director (the third Affleck brother, Myron) tests him to see if he can keep acting after a Spider-Man falls on him, he fails the test. The good news is, he finds out Coriolanus is actually auditioning too. Titus doesn’t get the role, but he feels better knowing that since Coriolanus is auditioning for the same stuff, maybe the big break he thought was stolen from him wasn’t his big break after all.
Titus’s agent recognized Kimmy and wants to represent her. She’s not at all interested, so she goes to get a new face from Dr. Franff so she won’t be recognized anymore. But while she’s going under, she sees a Buhbreeze commercial that takes place in what looks like the bunker. The guy in the commercial looks from behind like the reverend and when he turns around he has the face of the baby from Full House. Kimmy fights against the anesthesia and fights her way out of the office. She realizes happiness doesn’t work from the outside in and convinces Jacqueline that no amount of plastic surgery is going to change how unhappy she is in her marriage. Her husband is cheating and Kimmy convinces her to go to China to confront him. But in the morning because she’s soaking her new feet in ice and can’t walk.
Lillian – Change the channel. I can’t get news from a woman.
Jacqueline – You’ll have to speak up dear. They took part of my ear and put it in my foot.
Titus – And now he’s walking around in shoes and socks like a big shot!
Titus singing – And I will crush that Spider-Man and then that other Spider-Man and all the Spider-Men until I’m the Spider-Man.
Jacqueline – “The school called. They need a photo of you for Buckley’s caregiver ID. Apparently, all these days that you’ve been picking him up, they’ve been marking his down as abducted.”