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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt – S1E5 – Kimmy Kisses a Boy!

Previously on UKS, Kimmy Goes To the Doctor!

While walking down the street, Kimmy is catcalled by a construction worker who tells her he wishes he was her jeans. She says she wishes she was his hardhat, because yellow is her favorite color. Her response makes him realizes he says these things to women even though he has a mother and sisters and wonders why.

“Troll the respawn, Jeremy!” – Kimmy

Titus is doing Jazzercise along to some 80’s Jazzercise video when Kimmy gets home. He’s excited she got hit on and also excited he was undercharged at the diner for his morning scrod. Kimmy warns Titus that Cyndee is coming for a visit and he cannot ask her any questions about the bunker. He’s very disappointed, but she’s trying to protect Cyndee because she’s like her big sister and Cyndee is even more naive than she is about real life.

When Kimmy gets into work, Charles jumps at her from behind, puts his hands over her eyes, and shouts, “Guess who?!” She shouts, “I don’t like that!” and almost knocks him out. But she’s happy when she realizes it’s him. She tells him she responded to his text, and it’s with a picture of a man’s penis because she heard people like to text those to each other. He seems to think that was cute, so he sent her a picture of a duck. He admits he was going to psych himself up to kiss her later and she tells him he can just kiss her now. So he does. What a cute couple.

UKS - S1E5 - Cyndee and Brandon Luggage

When Kimmy gets back home, Cyndee is on the sidewalk, fighting with a man over her luggage. Kimmy kicks him and calls him a honkey. It turns out he’s Cyndee’s boyfriend. His name is Brandon and he used to be Cyndee’s middle school crush, who Kimmy used to have to pretend to be in the bunker. He has lots of suitcases to carry him for her, because she packed a lot of pancake mix. Cyndee is doing great back home. She’s managing a pet store, buying a house with Brandon, and got a tattoo that’s a Chinese symbol for “bean curd”. Brandon got a matching one for their anniversary, but they screwed it up and wrote it in English.

UKS - S1E5 - Titus Lemonade

 

“Everybody kisses things. White people kiss their dogs.” – Titus

While the girls catch up, Titus is in the kitchen pretending to make lemonade and eavesdropping. They’re just talking about boys and kissing until he yells, “This is boring!” because everybody kisses. White people even kiss their dogs. He rattles off a bunch of bunker questions. Where did you go to the bathroom? Did they ever try to eat anybody? Was there ever a moment where they thought the real prison was in their mind?

Brandon walks in with the tradition Indiana courtship gift of flowers and meat for Cyndee and Titus realizes right away that he’s as gay as a penguin. Kimmy doesn’t believe him. Brandon pretends to want to talk about cars. Titus calls it “smoke and mirrors: two things gay men love.” Titus says he would call Brandon out on it but he doesn’t even know how to pronounce the word cars. They agree that Titus will try and seduce Brandon to prove who is right.

He seduces him with an ear of corn and the song Footloose, but it doesn’t work, so he no longer thinks Brandon is gay. Kimmy starts to think he is when he admits that him and Cyndee get a lot of free perks because she’s a mole women. She asks him some questions and casually slips in the question, “who do you like to have sex with?” and without thinking he answers hairless men. He says he’s not using her to get free stuff: he’s actually part of her perks. He thinks he has to be with her because she’s a mole woman and everybody in her hometown just wants to make her happy.

Brandon proposes to Cyndee and Kimmy thinks it’s gone too far and tells her that he’s really gay. Cyndee already knows he’s gay; it happened when he was struck by lightening while watching Magic Mike. But she wants to marry him anyway, because she had a crush on him for so long.

Kimmy tries to stop the engagement and they get in a fight. Cyndee tells Kimmy that she’s done everything she always said she was going to do and Kimmy’s just jealous because she hasn’t. She’s just a babysitter living in a basement.

UKS - S1E5 - Titus Cosby Sweater

Titus has his own crisis going on. He thinks he’s old. He realizes he’s been getting the senior citizen discount at the diner and that’s why his morning scrod has been cheaper. And butterscotch candies mysteriously appeared in his pocket. He walks down the street, wearing his Bill Cosby sweater, lamenting his age, when the same construction guy from earlier approaches him. He wonders to Titus if the reason he treats women the way he does is because he’s secretly jealous they can be with men and maybe that’s what he wants too. He asks Titus out for a drink. Titus says no because he can’t handle him yet. But it makes him feel better about himself, so he rips off his old man sweater to reveal his “baby slut” t-shirt and struts off.

UKS - S1E5 - Troll the Respawn, Jeremy

Charles calls Kimmy and he tells her that he loves her and wants to take things to the new level. She tells him in person that she loves him too and thinks they should get matching Garfield tattoos. He’s freaked out, because as it turns out he had butt dialed her and everything she heard was stuff he was saying to his friend who he was playing a video game with. He’s so freaked out that she’d think he really loves her and would want to get matching tattoos after they only kissed twice that he breaks things off. After messing things up with Charles, she realizes that Cydee was right: she is jealous of her for being able to do all the things she wanted. She apologies and decides she’s going to start doing the things she always said she was going to do. First up is enrolling in 8th grade. They say she’s too old for 8th grade even though Kimmy reminds them that billy Madison wasn’t. Instead, she decides to enroll in a GED class.

About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
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